It had just been one of those days. Actually, I don’t know that I would want to relive the week! I stumbled into bed at 11 pm, feeling tired, sad, alone, hopeless, and helpless. As I bent down to take of my sock, I felt a searing pain in my foot once again, the same pain I had been feeling all week.
You see, earlier in the week, and old foot injury, actually a hereditary foot disease, flared up again. It does this from time to time, but this time it struck with a vengeance, leaving my foot swollen, stiff, and in excruciating pain. Walking on it was out of the question, and I quickly found myself housebound.
I don’t know about you, but going from 100 mph to zero is not an easy transition. I went from constant travelling, being around people and working 12-14 hour days to being stuck on a sofa with a tv and a laptop, relying on others to get me things and assist me. Needless to say my mood and happy disposition began to drop.
To be honest, the first day of being injured wasn’t that bad. I was tired from my busy schedule I had been carrying, so a Sunday on the couch watching my Broncos run all over the Raiders and the Giants beat the Patriots wasn’t the end of the world. I managed to endure this downtime, and I even stayed up late to watch the Ravens beat the Steelers, a team I despise. All in all, a day off was nice. However, as one day turned into 2, 3, and 4, I found myself starting to sink.
The enemy immediately struck. He used this as a way to attack me. I began having thoughts like, “This foot is never going to get better” and “God said He was going to heal it, why won’t He?”. These slight areas of doubt crept into my mind and quickly they snowballed.
I began to think thoughts like, “Why are you trusting God to help you?” “Do you really think He is going to do anything for you?” Then the enemy turned the heat up more. I found myself starting to wish for a different lifestyle. I wondered why God has made me live such a hard life. Why couldn’t I just be married and happy like everyone else? Why did I have to suffer so much physically all the time? Was I really helping anyone with my ministry or was I wasting my time. Am I really making a difference?
Slowly my melancholy mood was turning into discontentment and anger. I was starting to feel disgruntled and impatient with God. My boredom and physical pain had spiraled out of control.
That brings us back to tonight. As I turned off my light and lay back on my bed, I had an overwhelming desire to cry, scream, and vent, all at the same time. Alone in my room with no one to talk to, I did something I showed have done hours before. I prayed.
I poured out my heart to God. I told Him all I was feeling, my doubts, my fears, my frustrations. I told Him I was tired of always having physical pain. I shared with Him my feeling that I didn’t know if I believed He could heal me anymore. It had been so many years of pain, and it had taken its toll. I told Him I was worried He wouldn’t do the things He had promised to do in my life. I ended by asking Him to forgive me, to help me overcome my doubts, and to return to my life of faith, trusting in Him to make a way where there seemed to be no way.
I would be lying to say that I instantly felt better or immediately was full of faith. To be honest, I didn’t feel any different. But it wasn’t about how I felt anymore. It was about me surrendering my will to God. I chose to put aside my feelings and put my trust in God once again.
Even though I didn’t feel any better, I know I had made an important decision at a crossroad of choosing to believe Satan’s lies or to hold onto God’s truth. I rolled over and flipped on my radio, something I rarely do when trying to sleep.
As I turned up the volume, I heard an old song, a favorite of mine, called “God will make a way where there seems to be no way.” A smile crossed my face and I thought, “Ok God, I get the message. I need to keep trusting in You. You know what You are doing. Help me to trust You through this injury and all the other stuff going on.”
As I finished this prayer, the song ended, and a new song played. Once again, it was another one of my favorites, “Great is they Faithfulness”. As I listened once again to the words, I felt God say, “Jamie, I have always been faithful. I was faithful to heal your other foot when it was in way worse shape than the injury you have now. I was faithful to save your life when the doctors gave up on you for dead with pneumonia. I was faithful to bring you through years of abuse. I have been faithful financially when you submitted to the difficult life I called you to live. I have been and always will be faithful.”
At that moment, I felt stronger. The moodiness and depression left. I felt full of faith and hope. God met me in my hour of need and corrected my poor faith vision.
So why am I telling this to you? To be honest I really don’t know. It is hard for me to be this open and honest with my struggles. I’d prefer to leave it between me and God. But I felt God tell me to get out of bed and write, so I limped to a notebook and wrote.
I feel someone out there needed to read this. They needed to see another Christian brother struggling to put their faith and hope in God. They are going through a rough patch, and they feel helpless, hopeless, and lost. They need someone to encourage them. I hope I have been able to do this. I hope my story has helped them realize that nothing is too hard for God. I hope they see they are not alone in their struggles. Often we beat ourselves up thinking we are the only person to feel the way we do. This only adds to the feeling of hopelessness.
I hope this man reads my story and remembers that it is okay to be open and honest with God. There is nothing wrong with letting God know what you are going through or feeling. He already knows, but until you face it and deal with it, just you and Him, He can’t set you free. So tell God what you feel and ask Him to give you His perspective as you re-surrender to His will.
Well, the clock has turned to midnight. My feelings are no longer today. They are yesterday’s feelings and I chose to let them there in the past. I hope you will do the same. As we begin a New Year, I encourage you, be open with God about your struggles and weaknesses. Surrender your will to His will and allow Him to strengthen you. This is the only way to live as a godly man. Allow God to remind you how great His faithfulness has been to you, and allow Him to make a way where there seems to be no way.
